Treading the path: A journey away from Christianity and into Spirituality.

It occurred to me today that while I often find myself taking the stand against religion in all it's forms and standing up for logic and my own personal brand of spirituality I rarely find the time to explain to both offended and interested parties alike the path that brought me to such a place, as I did not just one day decide I would champion against the established norms of our social structures, nor did I inherit such ideals from my parents to be passed along as the personification of their worldly beliefs. In fact the journey was made over years, and is still being made, as I realize now from travelling that road that it is as infinity, a reflection of our universe and the wonders it holds.

The beginnings of my life were the picture of many fortunate American households. A loving home with a family of 4, a dog, and a Methodist church that we sat in service to every Sunday. My mother, as any responsible housewife of her generation would do, dressed me in my church clothes every Sunday and made sure that my belly aching and whining was silenced before 10:30 rolled around and we found ourselves in another dreary hour of worship. Thus was life, and my beliefs, as a 10 year old in the USA.

As time passed I praised the Lord Jesus and the Christian God, but more for my parents benefit than myself. I found the more I attended church, the less impressed I was with the people there. As I grew into adolescence and began spending more and more time with after school activities and church groups I would view the people with me with relative disdain. These were the pious children of righteous men? These were the same kids I went to high school with, who drank, and had sex, and did drugs, and partied, and disrespected their parents, and stole, and lied. I saw these things, and I was angry... and I was angry a lot. These people... these sinners... claimed to worship God and here they were... spitting in his face. Alas, my journey away from this anger is altogether a different place, and not for these words.

As time went by, I stopped attending church. I was no longer of an age where my parents really felt they could force me to go, and trying would only spark an argument that would end up anywhere but me going to church. I wanted nothing to do with the people of the church. I regarded them as sinners and liars, and proclaimed I would meet God on my own terms, and no longer allow these people to speak to me from a place that didn't even really exist in them. I still spoke to God, and in my way I still believed.

Turn the page and another few years and you find me at college. Still grappling with the evils of the world, and all the resentment that a betrayed man can bring to bear on the entirety of society. To me the world was filled to the brim with those who deserved nothing less than a shallow grave and a place in hell. With this was an endless feeling of anxiety and worry. I was so caught up in the failings of virtue that I could barely find joy in my life.

While I was 23, this changed for me. I finally came to a place where I was so unhappy, that I had to make a change for myself. So I started a little soul searching, and began to finally ask myself questions I had denied my mind for so long. What makes me unhappy? Why do I feel this way? Why do I believe the things I believe? What makes me so sure that the things I believe are right, are right? Did I come up with these reasons, or were they given to me? Where can I find anything to help back up my own personal feelings? WHO AM I!?

These... were important questions. One's I think I had largely ignored. Once I started asking the questions... it was as if a veil lifted from my eyes. All of a sudden things that had seemed so very complex and horrible were easy. Things that had been worrisome became effortless. Just being able to have a conversation with another human being without feeling rage well up inside me was a possibility that no longer seemed impossible. In the end. I was no longer Christian, but something else entirely. I no longer belonged to religion, because I could no longer live without asking "Why?". I could no longer explain things without first knowing the answers and how I had come to them. I could no longer live by The Word.... when The Word was that of man... not God. Thus I came to be, and the reasons for this change became ultimately clear, and the truths I found for myself were that of logic... and which my mind could grasp.

1. The Bible : As the single most used weapon in the arsenal of Christianity this to me stands out as the most damning evidence that religion cannot be. This, in the end, is a work of man. Even admittedly by the people who penned it, it was merely the "will of God" and the "word of God" spoken to them in order to record His will to the humans which he created. Man is fallible, which is obvious to any who live on Earth. So how are we to trust that men have put away their capacity for misleading, misinterpreting, misunderstanding, as well as all the vices we know we possess in order to bring us the first truth we will ever know? The ramifications are dire indeed. Are we to put our entire FAITH in these people, and that they carried the Word of God, such as it is, in its complete and unaltered form in order to save us from an eternity of pain and damnation? Is there anyone you do not know right now that you would trust with such a thing?

I wish to give an example to put this into perspective: I come to you on the street. I have a book, and it is labelled The Bible 2: God's revisions for 2010. I tell you that it is the work of God, and in my eyes there is no deceit. I speak to you from a place of honesty that I actually believe it to be a new work of the Christian God. Would you believe me? Of course not. How could I make you believe me? To 99.99% of you, the answer would be "you couldn't. That's stupid.". Well now, for the example's sake, let us say that I am right. It was a new work of God. You die, and you stand before the pearly gates. God looks at you and says "I'm sorry. You did not live as I wished you to. I cannot let you into the kingdom of Heaven. You must spend your Eternity suffering in hell." You look upon him in complete disbelief. "But Lord! I followed your words to the letter. I trusted and had faith and through all adversity I kept true to The Bible and its teachings!" He replies, "But I put out a new Bible in 2010. You were offered to study these new words, and to change your life to live as it teaches, and yet you did not."

Because you did not believe the man who came to you, you are now damned to hell. Would you feel this is a proper punishment for not having faith in me to tell you the truth? Would you feel that you deserve to suffer for all eternity because you thought that I was lying? Do you believe God, in all his compassion and forgiveness, and completely knowing your mind, and the truth of your heart, would condemn you to suffer for all time hereafter? This is exactly how I feel towards the Bible in its original form. It is not God I must have faith in to believe the Bible is real, but Man. God is not here to tell me it is, and all I have is generation after generation of fallible humans with their personal agendas to go by. I'm sorry, but I do not trust you with my eternity.

2. Eternity and punishment: It took me a long time to come to grips with the concept of Infinity. I hope that reading this you will come to understand the gravity of such a thing. Eternity is a long time. In fact, it is forever. You must take the life you have lived... multiply it by 1000, and then think about that number for a while. That is a long time. Take the number you have thought about living, and then think about living that long again 1000 times. Now think on who you might be once these years have passed. Think about how long this has been, as it has now been 20 million years if you had just reached adulthood at the beginning of this. Now take that number, and multiply it again by 1000 times. Think about how long you have lived. Think about how long you have suffered in pain and anguish. Then multiply it again and again and again and keep doing it until you die, and you still will not have come to understand how long you would have to suffer to reach eternity. It is a forever without end.

This is what religion proposes is the punishment for worldly offenses. An Eternity of burning in a pool of lava, excruciatingly painful, and without rest or succor. This punishment is given for not just murder, but theft, adultery, false worship, avarice, and greed. It is the price for jealousy, and for putting something before the Lord your God. This is the punishment that you say God visits on those who do not know him. Those who do not believe the words of a man. This is the punishment for ignorance of a people who's God no longer shows himself.

Now think of the words compassion. Mercy. Forgiveness. Things you say your God possesses. Is your God merciful to punish someone for Eternity? Is he Compassionate for understanding the feelings that drive us, and the motivations behind our actions, and yet damning us for those same actions? Is he forgiving.... if he can let his anger play out for an eternity, regardless the crime? How can you describe God as any of these things... if he can't even forgive us for being what he made us. He can't even forgive us for being lonely when he left us. He can't even forgive us for never knowing him... because he is no longer among us.

3. All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Omnipotent: These are things God can be. These are things God MUST be. These are also things that we are not. I am, however, self-aware. I understand what being All-knowing, all-powerful, and omniscient would give me access to. If you have an understanding of Physics, and Quantum Mechanics, then you also will have an idea of the type of reality God would have access to. In fact, all dimensions. One of those being time. If you understand that God does not exist in any specific time, but in all times at once, you will also know that past, present, and future are all his domain. Whatever his "plan" as many are apt to talk about, is, it is already done as far as he's concerned. Whatever will happened has happened. Whatever can happen has happened. Of course this is if you subscribe to certain theories of the universe... but regardless, the concept is still there. If God can see everything, understand everything, then there is nothing you can do that will surprise him. There is no evil that man can accomplish that God has not seen. There is nothing you will do that will cause him alarm. He will have seen all, and understand all. God would have no physical body. He won't feel the anger that testosterone fuels in your blood. He won't feel the hot flush of heat as the blood rises to your head. He won't feel the nagging pain of spurned love in his loins, or the giddy happiness of endorphins and serotonin rushing through his mind. He will not be blinded by sorrow and despair, rage and anger, or happiness and joy. He will understand above all... and see you. You cannot hide, and in the end... there is only your intentions and your actions with their consequences.

In this... I know that I could never bring myself to punish someone for eternity. It is my compassion, my forgiveness, and my understanding that makes this so. If God will not forgive a murderer before an Eternity has passed, then are we to say he has less compassion than I? Is he so petty that I can do what he cannot? Is he so angry that my mercy surpasses his? Is he so jealous that when I wish that people could be happy and find their own way in this universe... he wishes them only pain and suffering for not wanting the things he told them to want? I am humble... and therefore I do not believe he could do any of these things. I do not believe myself above God, and if I can forgive... than he must be able to, lest I claim to be more loving to his children than he... even the ones who do evil. As this world is a hard one... and we are only that which it has made us... no more... and no less.

In the end my beliefs morphed and changed as I asked questions, and as people posed questions to me. What they are now... is for another discussion I think. Suffice to say I still believe in a God... a Universe who's intent shapes our reality, but as my theories on God and the universe advance, the more humbled I am by the scope of what I am undertaking. I know now that I know nothing. I accept and am humbled by this fact. I let no man guide my destiny, and I trust... I have faith, that any God that looks down upon me and is responsible for my creation and my life will receive these thoughts with an understanding that surpasses my most fanciful dreams. I live my life with ethics, and values. Not for his sake, but for our sake. I do so because I have stopped looking to please God, and look to survive and even thrive together. We are one race. One people. We are Human, and we deserve more than an absent savior. We deserve each other, and the support that REAL people can give. If God wishes something for us, than let his will be known, because in the end, we must push forward, and we have done only what he has allowed us and what we had to do to live. We have his blessings and all that he has given to us to make that happen, and I refuse to hold back in the misguided notion of filling a void that will never be full. Finding a truth that will never be discovered. If the realm of God is judgment, than I shall answer to Him when I die. I will make my case then, and if he judges me wanting... then I can only claim I was who he made me to be, and accept that in the end... my life was merely a game designed to end in my punishment at the whim of a greater being.